It’s coming back. It is filling my veins, taking over my heart, and weighing down my lungs.
It’s the changes. Maybe the shock factor is sending my body back into it’s ever so “comfortable” depressive state. There’s been a million things going on and my body and mind are exhausted. Sitting up just to type this is hard, but so is waking up, eating, brushing my teeth, everything. Everything except playing with my son, especially now since I work full time. Our time together is limited and I am doing my best to stay present for every second we have together. Smiling through the pain, just to see him happy.
But yeah, the depression. I should be excited for these changes. They are beneficial to our family. Yet here I am moping, being sour, and angry. Depression is frustrating. Like I want to be happy. I want to have my usual energy levels to accomplish all of the things that have to be done. Yet here I am, not a drop of energy. Breathing is hard enough.
Hopefully this will be a quick one, not like the last one that lasted months on end and I completely lost myself, mind included. Fuck, this can’t be like the last time. I cannot afford it. Time is to precious, I don’t want to waste it.
And I wonder for those of you reading this who don’t battle with depression…. Are you thinking I am being dramatic and should suck it up and move forward? Maybe, maybe not. But if you are thinking that just know… It’s not that simple. How I wish it was, how all of us who deal with this wish it was.
And in all honesty I am writing this on the blog, because I don’t have a damn pen in my house. It’s put a halt to my writing because I keep forgetting to get some. Or maybe my subconscious is messing with me… I don’t know, but hopefully I’ll go get some damn pens before the end of the day. If not, my mind might explode.
PS – if you dig the poem then go check out my instagram for more of em! http://www.instagram.com/kandiceharlan_