It will not control me.

It seems as if it is an endless battle. More so of an endless war. It is the constant paranoia that sweeps over me while doing mundane tasks. The disorder that makes my heart tighten up while beating god knows how fast. There have been numerous times that the disorder has won. Times where it has kept me from living my day to day life. Oh anxiety, the disorder that far to many of us are familiar with.

There are days where it feels like I have a grasp on it. Where I refuse to let it hold me back. While the panic lingers I manage to speak in front of  20 people and explain to them the specifics that their job entails. Or when I call my friends and they commend me for actually calling them and not texting them. Then there are days where I cannot go into a convenience store for the fear of speaking to the cashier. I cannot even acknowledge a stranger’s small talk. Every day is different, and every day is hard. I long and strive for the day that I can control my anxiety as I see many of my friends do. The day where calling an office to schedule an appointment will not have the capabilities of sending me into a panic attack.

Then arises the possibility of control through medication. An option that I have ruled out since being a teenager. Why am I so anti-prescription medications? Because neither me nor the anxiety will have control. The Xanax will. While it does good for others, I am terrified of letting it control my life. Relying on a medication to “fix” my anxiety disorder is not the “cure” I am looking for.

I want to control my own life and I will. This war with myself will go on for quite sometime. Eventually though my anxiety disorder will lose. I will be able to present in front of numerous people, waltz into a store and make a purchase, along with many other mundane day to day tasks. I will prevail and gain control of my life.

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– an opinionated woman that is searching for the truest version of herself.

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